... So, I've been trying to decide to share or not to share as I struggle with the idea of "GIFT's and RECEIVING of a gift"". In 1990, I have experienced cancer, Yes.. Cancer, I said it;That dreaded "C" word.
It was around this time of year when everyone around me was celebrating the Christmas Holidays and I had been newly diagnosed with Cancer. I was young mother with two young children and and husband. The cancer was CML (Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia) a cancer that grows in the blood.I can say "was" because I have been cancer free for over 18 years. I trusted in GOD and had amazing strength and faith. At times I wasn't sure where it all came from. I think cancer does that to you. It will completely devastate or make you stronger. Mine was the latter. My faith during this time in my life was something I can only look back at now and say, "How was that even possible"?
....... after what the doctors called remission and me "A Miracle" , in 1992 I also became pregnant with a son named "Evan M. Heiser". MY MIRACLE.
I believed in all my heart he was GODS GIFT and knew there wasn't any other possible way that I could have had a baby after all that poisonous liquid trauma that flowed through my veins during treatment after treatment; after-all chemo treatments can and usually end up making women sterile.
I endured a lot of chemo during this period in my life; actually I was sick enough at one point for a doctor to hand me a piece of paper with the word "HOSPICE" on it!! I remember that day very well as though it just happened. I was enraged at the doctors disbelief and lack of faith.
When I look back at my "GIFT" Evan M. Heiser , I feel so blessed, but feel a bit "RIPPED OFF" too. How is it that a GOD will give a gift and then take it away?
I ask myself the question, "Did I somehow fail GOD that he would take this amazing gift back or have we as parents done such an amazing job that it really was his time?" Somewhere, I find myself in the middle; just being honest here.
Evan, all I can say is you were our miracle baby and your time here too short.
As the busyness of this season once again approaches, I find myself in a new place.
All the Christmas traditions as I knew it have taken second place in my and I can safely say our lives.
Evan's older brother Tim is serving our country this Christmas in the dreaded country Afghanistan and his sister Niki and Khalil (her husband) will be starting her new business in Costa Rica ... We are SO PROUD of you both!!!!!!
I am thankful for all the traditions we have created over the years and am sad they are forever changed.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Our trip to Witness Park
O-kay, so tonight dad and I went to Lititz to Witness Park. We bought two blue balloons which we both wrote on before setting them free, wondering just how far they would actually both make it in the frigid and very windy 22 degree weather.
We walked over to the ground where your physical body lay knowing you're not really there, but somehow still it felt very strange to be standing in front of what I called very frozen-groomed mud space, too new to have grass growing there yet; reading the small tin marker "Evan M. Heiser". Ugh!!
As I stood there shivering from the cold crying, I felt as though the tears for you were freezing on my face as I stood looking at all of this.
This week dad and I will go look at memorial stones and try to choose one that best represents your short life here on earth. How do we even begin?
We walked over to the ground where your physical body lay knowing you're not really there, but somehow still it felt very strange to be standing in front of what I called very frozen-groomed mud space, too new to have grass growing there yet; reading the small tin marker "Evan M. Heiser". Ugh!!
As I stood there shivering from the cold crying, I felt as though the tears for you were freezing on my face as I stood looking at all of this.
This week dad and I will go look at memorial stones and try to choose one that best represents your short life here on earth. How do we even begin?
Friday, December 10, 2010
...down the hallway past your empty room
Today as I walked down the hallway past your empty room, I am once again bitterly reminded that you won't be home today. I'm not sure why I would think today would be any different than yesterday?
It seams Fridays are especially hard as they are a constant reminder of that numbing day when two State police officers along with a gentleman in a suit arrived at our front door to deliver the tragic news. I was alone to receive the news that would change that "norm" forever as I once knew it.
.................... As I think back to the very early hours of Friday, August 13th Steve woke me to tell me that Evan was not home yet and he once again violated his curfew. He told me he talked to Evan a little after midnight and he was on his way home. As he waited and repeatedly called Evan's cell without a response; he began feeling uneasy and decided to drive and try to find him. Around 1:30am Steve called me and asked if I knew any other places Evan could've been. At that point I got worried and ventured out in the dark rainy streets myself. We both drove independently up and down Orchard Road, that "dreaded road". We had to pass the crash sight several times and never knew he was there the entire time.
In between the driving I was also online looking at cell phone activity, only to find Steve's and mine. All I could find was the dozens of desperate calls and texts from our phones to his. We also filed a police report around 2:30am and saw the officers call to his cell. I also tried to place a cell phone tracking on Ev's phone,which didn't work because he had to accept the tracking through his phone.
Finally, exhausted we both returned home and went to bed around 4am thinking Evan must have just decided to stay at a friends house?
We both woke exhausted that Friday. Steve ventured off to work and I started my day with a cup of hot coffee when I saw the State police cruiser slowing down in front of our home. I didn't think anything of this, as it was them following up from earlier that am.
After receiving the blow, the officers left and I got in my car with jammies on and my cup of hot coffee and drove to Orchard Road. I drove thru a yard to get around the barricades placed on the road that morning hearing distant voices of "hey, stop!" I kept driving to the accident scene. I got out and walked toward the broken black SAAB upside down in the yard. I saw the shattered windows and broken bricks of the much damaged home. The same men that arrived at my door earlier saw me walking towards the car and came up over the hill towards me. I'm not sure why I stopped or asked the question, "Is he still there?" They looked sadly at me and said yes, lowering there heads. At that point I turned around , got back in my car and drove home.
I'm not sure why I feel the need to tell this story, but I do. As a parent that loves their children beyond anything, I feel one of my jobs was to keep them SAFE and I failed.
Just saying ....
It seams Fridays are especially hard as they are a constant reminder of that numbing day when two State police officers along with a gentleman in a suit arrived at our front door to deliver the tragic news. I was alone to receive the news that would change that "norm" forever as I once knew it.
.................... As I think back to the very early hours of Friday, August 13th Steve woke me to tell me that Evan was not home yet and he once again violated his curfew. He told me he talked to Evan a little after midnight and he was on his way home. As he waited and repeatedly called Evan's cell without a response; he began feeling uneasy and decided to drive and try to find him. Around 1:30am Steve called me and asked if I knew any other places Evan could've been. At that point I got worried and ventured out in the dark rainy streets myself. We both drove independently up and down Orchard Road, that "dreaded road". We had to pass the crash sight several times and never knew he was there the entire time.
In between the driving I was also online looking at cell phone activity, only to find Steve's and mine. All I could find was the dozens of desperate calls and texts from our phones to his. We also filed a police report around 2:30am and saw the officers call to his cell. I also tried to place a cell phone tracking on Ev's phone,which didn't work because he had to accept the tracking through his phone.
Finally, exhausted we both returned home and went to bed around 4am thinking Evan must have just decided to stay at a friends house?
We both woke exhausted that Friday. Steve ventured off to work and I started my day with a cup of hot coffee when I saw the State police cruiser slowing down in front of our home. I didn't think anything of this, as it was them following up from earlier that am.
After receiving the blow, the officers left and I got in my car with jammies on and my cup of hot coffee and drove to Orchard Road. I drove thru a yard to get around the barricades placed on the road that morning hearing distant voices of "hey, stop!" I kept driving to the accident scene. I got out and walked toward the broken black SAAB upside down in the yard. I saw the shattered windows and broken bricks of the much damaged home. The same men that arrived at my door earlier saw me walking towards the car and came up over the hill towards me. I'm not sure why I stopped or asked the question, "Is he still there?" They looked sadly at me and said yes, lowering there heads. At that point I turned around , got back in my car and drove home.
I'm not sure why I feel the need to tell this story, but I do. As a parent that loves their children beyond anything, I feel one of my jobs was to keep them SAFE and I failed.
Just saying ....
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Empty Heart
I started this blog to express my daily emptiness without Evan. Somedays I really feel selfish for feeling the way I do. I do have two other children I love with all my heart too. I ask myself , "Is it unfair of me to dwell on what I don't have?"
This picture is a constant reminder of how much Evan loved life and how I didn't see that part of him. Guess I had my parent goggles on which didn't always allow me to see the "Real Evan".
Evan, I ask you to forgive me for misunderstanding the impact you really had on so many lives.
Luv always,
momma
This picture is a constant reminder of how much Evan loved life and how I didn't see that part of him. Guess I had my parent goggles on which didn't always allow me to see the "Real Evan".
Evan, I ask you to forgive me for misunderstanding the impact you really had on so many lives.
Luv always,
momma
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